Candidates, what are some mnemonic devices people can use to remember your performances in the fourth Democratic Debate?
Having a Cow: I was on point with my attacks, Obama admiration, and policy positions. Unfortunately, my husband has all the charisma in the marriage, so I’m somehow having trouble against a septuagenarian socialist whose ideas on taxes are a pipe dream.
How Contrived: You’d think I’d have learned how to not sound so scripted by now, but they never can seem to fix that part of my programming. So, somehow this is looking like 2008 again. At least the competition this time has zero minority appeal, one main idea he draws his other ideas from, and only two states where he really has a chance…
Heir Candidate: Yes, I know it’s usually more of a Republican thing for someone who ran last time to win this time, but seriously – What more do I have to do to get the nomination? It’s my turn, dammit.
Hollering Contender: When I raise my voice, it sounds like I actually have some emotion. As long as I don’t Howard Dean myself, I might be on to something…
Bustin’ Sachs: I hate big banks, and I made sure everyone remembers that Hillary Clinton has benefited from Goldman Sachs.
Billionaires Suck: In case you didn’t notice, I like to talk about how billionaires control everything.
Bullets Suck: Yeah, yeah, I have a terrible record on gun control, but that’s probably just because billionaires control everything.
Boring Sonsofbitches: I constantly had to start my turn by saying I agree with the boring talking points of my opponents before going into my much more glorious talking points about how we can give everyone but billionaires free everything. Of course, since they’ll be taxed so much, they won’t remain billionaires for long, so they, too, will be able to take part in this glorious new country.
Marvelous, Oh, Marvelous: Despite the moderators’ best efforts to pay attention to the head-to-head matchup that doesn’t include me, I had a decent performance.
Millionths Of Millionths: Despite my debate performance not being terrible, this is probably the most my poll numbers will rise in the next few days.
Man, Oh Man: I hit the ball out of the park with that line about how we shouldn’t call people’s kids, “boots on the ground” when we send the military in to fight an insurgency. It got a lot of applause, because idioms are stupid.
My turn, Oh, My turn: Every few hours, the moderators called on me, but I had to interrupt to get heard a lot of the time. I wish these guys would pay attention to my dominating 1-digit poll numbers…
Yeah, Terrible: What was the point of having YouTube clips and popular YouTube hosts asking questions via video? It was awkward, but since we cosponsored the event, we figured we had to do something…
Democratic National Committee
Do Not Consider: Scheduling debates when people might actually watch them. Saturday nights and nights before holidays are ideal.