The Seventh Republican Debate – In Backronyms!

I reviewed the last Democratic Debate as if the candidates’ initials stood for how they did, so I’m going to take the last GOP Debate a step further and see what their names might be if they were backronyms – an actual word that means creating a fake acronym from an existing word.

CRUZ: Candidate Reciting Underwhelming Zings

If there’s one thing you could say about Ted Cruz before this debate, it’s that he thought he was awesome. I wonder if he thinks that now. Trump wasn’t at the debate, making second-place Cruz the de facto frontrunner. And, the frontrunner in these debates takes most of the heat. To be fair, Cruz spoke the truth for perhaps the first time ever when he said the moderators were pitting everyone against him. But, since he never had a problem with it when the people ahead of him in polls took heat in other debates, it wasn’t a very effective whine. Cruz kept trying to return to his talking points, but they’re all starting to sound the same – even for him.

RUBIO: Running Up the Bill In Overcompensation

Rubio has two main problems: 1) He hasn’t done a whole lot in the Senate. 2) One of the things he has done, work on a comprehensive immigration reform bill, has caused him more problems than doing nothing else has. Rubio co-authored a bipartisan immigration bill, then very vocally tried to keep it from passing. It’s pretty much been downhill from there, and video clips played at the debate put his immigration all-over-the-boardness on full display. However, he still sticks to his talking points about how he’s the only Republican who can take the country in a bold new direction. Of course, that new direction could be different tomorrow than it is today, then change again next week…

BUSH: Bringing Us Some Harebrainedness

I’m not sure anymore why Bush is running for president, and he comes off like he’s not sure, either. Having said that, he has gotten stronger in the last few debates. However, there was a curious thing he did in this debate that might have undone all that. When Rubio was being hammered for constantly changing his views on immigration reform (something he’s even managed to change from debate to debate), Bush took the opportunity to also hammer him. Then, when Rubio accused him of also changing his mind on the issue, Bush said that, yes, he had, but he at least admitted it. But, instead of using this as a moment to talk about the nuances of the issue, he just made it sound like he admitted to doing something bad…

KASICH: Kicking Ass Since Inching Closer in Hampshire

Up until this debate, I thought Kasich was basically the GOP Debate equivalent of Martin O’Malley – He said the same things in every debate; he complained about the complaining other candidates were doing; and he jumped into other candidate comments or arguments whenever the chance presented itself. He did all of those things in this debate, too, but he also said a few new things. He’s making a real play for New Hampshire, which he pretty much has to win to have even an outside shot at the nomination. Kasich has about as much charisma as a rock, but New Hampshire is the Granite State, so maybe it will play well there…

CHRISTIE: Congratulating Himself Regarding Idiotic Sounding Tactics In Empathy

Chris Christie has been a somewhat moderate governor, but since he doesn’t want primary voters to know that, he tries to talk to the audience directly – by literally saying he’s talking to the audience directly. It’s pure pandermomium as Christie says that people don’t want to hear what the other candidates are saying, because only he knows how they’re feeling. He also dodged a bullet in this debate, because while Cruz and Rubio got videos showing their flip flops on pure display, no one else did. Christie went on and on about how terrible these guys were, even though his flip flops and exaggerations are also well-documented…

CARSON: Courageous Action Reel Star On Nyquil

It seems like Ben Carson’s answers have gotten better as his poll numbers have gotten worse. Carson was leading the pack for a little while, and what demoted him back to the ranks of the mediocre was his complete and total lack of foreign policy knowledge. So, Carson did what anyone who doesn’t have time to learn something they really need to know does – he crammed. Carson’s foreign policy ideas now sound like Michael Bay movies with random names of real foreign leaders sprinkled in. Of course, his delivery is still boring enough to put you to sleep, but if you really listen, you may have the next blockbuster on your hands. And, they’re way more entertaining than his constant jokes about not getting called on enough…

PAUL: Pretty Amped Up Lameness

Paul missed the last debate, so he was making up for lost time…I guess. He was pretty much exactly like he’s been at all the other debates, trying to get both the libertarian and conservative votes but only succeeding at getting neither. He also still sounds like he’s trying to do an impression of a stereotypical Southern aristocrat, which makes his outrage at other candidates sound more like a character from Django Unchained than a character in a presidential debate. And, he’s still the candidate you hate to agree with when he’s accidentally right. But, don’t feel too bad – the only time he’ll ever be president is when he dreams about it tonight…


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