Is Obama the Worst Conspiracy President Ever?

Seriously, Obama? Your party had the Senate for 6 years, but you waited until Republicans were in control to whack a Supreme Court Justice? And, you waited until an election year, to give them maximum leverage? Fool me one mass shooting, shame on me; fool me worst-timed murder ever, shame on you. From death panels to Jade Helm, you’ve just been one disappointment after another. I don’t know how you ever expected to replace the Constitution with the Communist Manifesto, if you can’t even capitalize off killing one guy.

Why didn’t you ask your predecessors for help? Do you have any idea how many people they’ve killed? I know – asking George W. Bush for help would have been awkward, after saying all those bad things about him (Fake terrorist attacks are really more his thing, anyway.). But, what about Bill Clinton? He killed like half the population of Arkansas to cover up stuff. Not only that, but he and W’s dad have become good friends, so he might be able to hook you up with some vintage H.W. killings. Sure, you said all those bad things about Bill and Hillary when you ran in 2008, but Bill loves to talk, and I’m sure he’d let you pick his brain. Then again, he may only need to tell you one thing: Timing is everything.

See, you have to break the right eggs at the right time to make an omelet. You can keep faking mass shootings from now until the cows come home, but if Congress won’t pass gun control, you either gotta move on or come up with something different. This Scalia thing has made an absolute mockery of presidential killings, but keep thinking, and you’ll come up with something that works. And, if you ever start to think you can’t do it, remember: For every botched vice presidential attempt to assassinate Reagan, there’s a successful vice presidential attempt to assassinate Kennedy.

There’s still hope for you. You can’t take advantage of a fake mass shooting to save your life, and your attempts to become a dictator have been laughable. But, there was a time when you were good at this kind of thing. A time when you could make people think you weren’t a domestic terrorist in your early days, and a time when you could convince people you weren’t a Muslim or a radical black Christian. Hell, making people think you were born in Hawaii has become the stuff of legend. They can never take those wins away from you, but your murder profiteering needs some work.

You’ve got the hope. Now, let’s see some change…

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