Rules for Radical(ly Stripping Minorities of Their Right)s

When you’re in charge, how do you know what rights you should take away, and from whom?  Here are a few questions to ask yourself when making such a decision:

1) How big is the minority? 

The smaller the minority,  the easier to strip them of their rights.

2) How influential is the minority? 

The less influential the minority, the less people will care if you strip them of their rights.

3) How recently has the minority really been able to take advantage of the rights?

The less recently the minority has won its rights, the less outcry there will be when they lose them.

4) Do you feel lucky?

It’s almost unprecedented in American history for the government to take rights from a minority after they’ve been won. Better have your i’s dotted and your t’s crossed.

5) Is there a religious angle?

The more you can link the minority having rights to bad religious things, the more successfully you can remove those rights.

6) Is there some way you can make the minority seem dangerous to kids?

If the children are our future, and you can make it sound like minority rights that have nothing to do with children are actually dangerous to them, odds are good you can get rid of those rights.

7) Is there a financial angle?

Once you start throwing around numbers in the millions and billions, people have trouble keeping up with whatever you’re making up. Throw some random M’s and B’s out to make the minority sound vaguely expensive, and you can make it sound like rights removal will save money. 

8) Is there a military angle?

The American military is one of the best there is.  The more you can convince people that a minority right can easily distract some of the most focused people in the world, the more likely you can take away that right.

9) Are you indifferent to your legacy?

If so, you’re in luck! Since minority rights are almost never taken away, odds are the minority will get them back, and your legacy will be severely tarnished. But, if you don’t care about your legacy, full steam ahead! At this rate, you may be able to break Rules 1-8 and strip even more minorities of their rights! Your short term cup runneth over! The world is yours for the taking for a little while! It’s easier for a camel to fit through the eye of a needle than for your logic to make sense 20 years from now!

I hope this has been a helpful primer for the leader who wants to strip rights from minorities.  It’s really not that hard, as long as you don’t care about decency, morality, or doing the right thing.  And, since two wrongs make a right,  as long as you keep your wrongs even, you can keep going forever!


Crawl & Order: Federal Intent

​In the federal justice system, the precedents are represented by two separate, yet equally important, groups: the Democrats, who get rid of filibusters for all non-Supreme Court justices, and the Republicans, who refuse to let new Supreme Court justices in when they don’t hold the presidency.

Now that a new president has nominated a new Supreme Court justice, which side of the irony will blink first? Will it be the Democrats, who threaten to filibuster the new nominee? Or, will it be the Republicans, who threaten to get rid of filibusters for Supreme Court nominees?

Twas the War on Christmas

Twas the War on Christmas, and all through the night
Not a tradition was present, no manger in sight.
The church down the road might have had one,
But, it’s too far to walk, and I’m not going to run.

The heathens were nestled, all snug in their beds,
Probably assuming that Christmas was dead.
But Jesus was living, as true believers knew,
Even if nativity scenes were hidden from view.

When out in the Wal-Mart there arose such a clatter,
For true Christians were expected to think others mattered.
Away to the call center they flew like a flash,
To banish “Happy Holidays” into the trash.

The moon on the dash of the cars down below
Made it easy to see who had Bibles to show.
When what to our wondering eyes should appear,
But a store Santa Claus, removing his beard.

Holding a liquor bottle, he looked for distractions,
So children present would forget his actions.
More rapid than an eagle, his voice rang,
As he whistled, and shouted, and started his game.

“Now Baptists! now, Methodists! now, Orthodox and Pentacostal!
My Catholics! my Amish! my other readers of the Gospel!
To the trenches and ramparts and drones we must go!
To defend Christmas for Christians, in these days of woe!”

As soon as he thought the audience was with him,
And, he’d held down the alcohol in his system,
Into the improvised story he flew,
With a sleigh full of anecdotes, and an urban legend or two.

And then, in a twinkling, we all heard the truth,
The exposure of lies from this Christmas sleuth.
He went on for a while about Christmas being ruined,
Then jumped to the endgame, to cut down on confusion.

“They want to destroy Christmas, the secular progressives,
Indeed, their methods are quite impressive.
Claiming it doesn’t matter how Christmas is celebrated by all,
Or throwing a these-practices-came-from-pagans curveball.”

“These heathens may sound fine! Their beliefs seem merry!
Their arguments may be as tasty as cherries!
But, don’t fall for the secular Christmas line,
About how we should respect all beliefs in Yuletide!”

He took out a pipe and held it tight in his teeth,
Trying now to win over those with less emotional beliefs.
He tried to look smart and put his hands on his belly,
Then thought better of it, remembering that meal from the deli.

“Some may say my claims are overblown,
And that we should respect beliefs different from our own.
That it doesn’t matter how or if others celebrate Christmas.
If they’re not interfering with us, it’s none of our business.”

He spoke on and on about how we’re a Christian nation,
And, what became clear was the strength of his libation.
By the time he finished, he forgot why he started,
And, took a swig, pleased with the knowledge imparted.

He sprang to his car, not wanting to do this again,
And away he flew, hoping his breath held no gin
But, I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight,
“If I avoid all the roadblocks, it will be a good night!”