Are we entering a new Golden Age of Conspiracy Theories?

Election Season is over, but that doesn’t mean conspiracy theories have to be. Why, just the other day I heard that protesters are being paid to protest election results. Journalists who’ve investigated these claims have found no evidence for them, but like I always say, “The absence of evidence is the evidence of evidence.” After all, people in America never protest, especially over election results. What other explanation is there? They MUST have been paid.

But wait – there’s more. Even President-Elect Trump has gotten in on the action. While the official vote count has Mr. Trump winning the electoral vote and losing the popular vote, he insists he actually won both, because millions of people voted illegally. What evidence does he have that millions of people voted illegally? You guessed it – none. Put another way, Mr. Trump has as much evidence for his claim of massive voter fraud as I have for my claim that he’s the King Midas of Truth.

So, are we entering a new, Golden Age of Conspiracy Theories? I certainly hope so. The real world is just so boring, random, and factual. Or is it? Maybe that’s just what they WANT me to think…

Advertisements

What happens if Donald Trump loses? Donfirmation bias, that’s what.

If Donald Trump loses tomorrow, will he concede? Will he contest? Will he say the whole process was rigged? It all depends on what he said he’d do. That may sound simple enough, but you have to remember that only Mr. Trump can tell you what he said – not his campaign, not the media, and certainly not recordings.

While most politicians have mastered the arts of plausible deniability, false equivalence, and basic damage control, newcomers to the political scene don’t always have that luxury. They must develop their own ways to deal with inconvenient news cycles, opponent attacks, and unforced errors. Such is the case with Mr. Trump, who has established his own method: Donfirmation Bias.

Donfirmation Bias means never having to say you’re wrong. When Mr. Trump says something, even if all evidence appears to the contrary, he has to either stick with what he said or deny having said it in the first place. He has to find sources that agree with him and ignore or attack those that don’t. Neutral or nuanced stories must be interpreted to agree. This is why scandals that sink other politicians don’t sink Mr. Trump: He either didn’t do them, they were misreported, or they were the right thing to do. But, don’t confuse Donfirmation Bias for hardheadedness. A lot of work goes into it. When a claim Mr. Trump has made appears to be false, he has to put in a lot of time and effort to find sources that agree with him. It also requires being a principled chameleon, so when he does change his mind, he does it so completely, he can later deny it.

The closer a presidential election gets to Voting Day, the more supporters of a candidate will close ranks and defend their candidate against anything negative. Voters are also more likely to focus on the negatives of the opposing candidate when challenged on the negatives of their own. Thus, Mr. Trump’s (and Ms. Clinton’s) own supporters feed into the notion that what they are doing must be right. In other words, voter confirmation bias reinforces Donfirmation Bias.

Donfirmation Bias may at first appear to be a bad way to run a campaign. But, what at first appears to be a fatal flaw – that Mr. Trump is always right – is in fact its greatest strength. You see, Mr. Trump has contended that the election is rigged, and he has said that the only way he can lose is if Ms. Clinton, the media, and/or the establishment has rigged it in her favor. Therefore, even if he loses, he wins. It’s as true now as it was when he said it in the primaries. Ms. Clinton may have an arsenal of non sequiturs and the best crisis management team money can buy, but she has conceded that, if Mr. Trump wins the election, he will have won the election.

But, what if Mr. Trump concedes? That’s an easy one – it’s what he will have said he’d do all along…

What I’ll miss most from the election

I don’t know how many crazy things from this election will continue after it’s over, but I’ve certainly enjoyed the ride. I’d hate to have to say goodbye to things like:

The Comey-22
The FBI finished its investigation of Clinton’s email practices in July and recommended not charging her with anything. But, a few weeks ago, some Clinton emails appeared in an entirely unrelated investigation. There wasn’t yet a warrant to search them, so no one knew if there was anything there. But, it was a new development. The FBI generally doesn’t like to do anything that might influence an election, especially a presidential one. But, if it was discovered after the election that they hadn’t been publicized, they might be accused of the same thing. FBI Director James Comey had a decision to make: Release the information and be accused of trying to affect the election, or don’t release it and be accused of trying to affect the election. Of course, what he did was say that it was happening but that they didn’t know anything about it yet. We still don’t know what’s in the emails, other than a potential pink slip for Comey if Clinton gets elected…

The Lord’s Way
Comey may have had a difficult decision to make, but Jeffrey Lord never has that problem. Lord is a CNN contributor and Donald Trump supporter extraordinaire, and whenever Mr. Trump says, does, or doubles down on anything ridiculous, he’s there to clean it up. How does he do it? Simple: When Lord is asked a question about a negative thing Trump has said or done, he either a) compares him to Ronald Reagan without answering the question, or b) accuses Democrats of being racist, sexist, or otherwise bigoted without answering the question. It doesn’t matter if the question has nothing to do with any of those things, because the Lord’s Work must be done. Say, for example, someone asks Lord if Donald Trump can win in the general election, since he’s said so many things that turn so many people off. Of course he can win, Lord will say, because Ronald Reagan said things that turned people off, and he won in a landslide. If pressed for specifics, Lord will specifically say that Reagan was great and that Trump is great, and if pushed for even more specifics, he will even more specifically say that Reagan was great and that Trump is great. But, sometimes Reagan just isn’t enough, so Lord has to go to Plan B: Operation History. You or I may have learned in history class that, up until about the 1930’s, the Democratic Party ardently defended slavery, was heavily involved in the KKK, and Jim Crowed about everything. And, until about the 1960’s or ’70s, Southern Democrats were pretty much still doing that. However, while we might have also learned that the Democratic Party started appealing to blacks in the ’30s, passed various civil rights laws in the ’40s, passed the Civil Rights Act in the ’60s, and has actively tried to appeal to blacks since, the Lord’s Professor wants you to know that’s all wrong. As it turns out, the Democratic Party is still the Party of Racism for the simple reason that it was in the past. Lord also makes plenty of other “historical” appeals to portray Democrats as the party of sexism and pretty much everything else that Trump gets accused of throughout the campaign.

The Clinton Calculator
Quick: What’s the biggest non-biological difference between Bill and Hillary Clinton? That’s right – charisma. Bill Clinton used polls and focus groups all the time to figure out what to talk about and how to talk about it, but he was so good at communicating, no one really cared. Outside of a debate stage, Hillary seems overly-scripted, overly-calculating, and overly-rehearsed. I’m not sure how she does so much better in front of debate audiences than in front of other audiences, but I’m sure a focus group could tell us. Indeed, if the T-800 was Hillary Clinton, it would probably pay more attention to polls to find out why John Conner cries than to life experience and terrible ’90s slang.

Law & Order: DJT
If you want to see a political phrase used to maximum potential, take a look at how Richard Nixon talked about “law and order” in the 1968 campaign. If you want to see the opposite of that, take a look at how Donald Trump talks about “law and order” in the 2016 campaign. Sometimes, he uses it as a vague rallying cry. Sometimes, he just says it as a quick answer to a very specific question on law enforcement or the legal system. And, sometimes, he’ll just say it when something law- or law-enforcement related happened, with no real explanation as to what it means. Put another way: In the 2016 Election, the Donald is represented by two separate yet equally important words: law, which comes before order, and order, which comes after law…

Election 2016 – Episode IV: A New Slippery Slope

Election 2016
EPISODE IV: A NEW SLIPPERY SLOPE

It is a period of GOP civil war.  Khizr Khan, striking from the Democratic National Convention, has won his first victory against the heroic Donald J. Trump.

During the battle, Future President Trump managed to crudely copy Khan’s ultimate weapon, MAKING SACRIFICES FOR AMERICA, a tweetable phrase with enough power for Trump to MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN.

Pursued by the Mainstream Media’s sinister agents, Future President Trump races home aboard his private plane, custodian of the secret tweets that can save his reputation and restore freedom to America…

The Messiah Candidate

The Messiah, Bernie Sanders, will soon ascend to Heaven. But fear not, friends: Just as Jesus did, He will return within our lifetimes (Perhaps as soon as the Year of Our Lord 2020). For did not St. Paul return four years after he rallied His believers to vote for him? Did not Father Bryan return more than once to assuage our fears?

He may go by a different name. He may appear in a thunderclap of McGovern and return to the Heavens just as suddenly. Perhaps He will be a reformed sinner, in the tradition of Roosevelt of Bullmoose. Or, perhaps He will make his presence known by turning Goldwater into wine.

The Book of I Nader teaches us, “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no establishment candidate.” II Buchanan tells us to “Trust in the purist with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.”

And, do not worry about how to recognize the One True Candidate. For, to quote Goldwater 4:13, once you see Him, “In your heart you know He’s right.”

Tenth Republican Debate: Everyone’s a Superhero

Between the shouting, fighting, and overall chaos, it’s pretty clear Thursday night’s Republican Debate was originally the script for a comic book movie. So, what superheroes were you guys trying to be?

Marco Rubio: The Flash

No one can speak as fast as me, and by the time I’d listed the 400 scandals Trump’s been involved in, he couldn’t even remember enough of them to answer. Of course, the best thing about talking fast is that I cangetenoughtalkingpointsinforyoutoforgetthatI’mcontradictingmyvieswwitheachnewdebate. And, that’s the kind of greatness I’ll bring to this New American Century. I’ll also bring a new respect for thesauruses, because since I started using them, I can repeat my talking points with different words. President Obama still knows exactly what he’s doing as he destroys America, but I know exactly what I’m doing to fix it, and I’ll continue to show that Flash Rubio is superior to Robo Rubio.
 

Donald Trump: Iron Man

I am a YUGE fan of comic books, and I’m really successful, like Iron Man. I’m going to build a wall, which I’m sure he did, because he’s a winner, and I’m going to beat Sweaty Rubio, like he did. Think about it – you got Choker Rubio, Liar Cruz, and I’m Iron Trump. And, when I’m president, we are going to do so much winning, and we are going to make this country great again.
 

Ted Cruz: Green Lantern

I have a ring of conservatism that can fix any problem. My ring is unwavering. It can make the shape of a door to welcome others into Reagan’s America. It can make the shape of an Emancipation Proclamation to abolish the IRS. It can make the shape of a filibuster to prevent my 99 colleagues from instituting liberal policies that will bring America to its knees. My ring of conservatism can solve any problem, and when I’m president, it will undo every one of President Obama’s illegal executive actions and institute the ring’s conservative principles. Obama’s America will fall, and in its place will be the Conservative America the Founders intended.
 

John Kasich: Superman

Well, jeez, I don’t like to compare myself to anyone, but since Superman could fly, he’d probably fly above the fray, like I’m doing. And, I guess I’ve been successful at getting things done, like Superman, who works well with others. What’s my kryptonite? Look, I don’t like to talk about that kind of thing, but I guess everyone else is too busy throwing kryptonite at each other to figure out mine is being 20th Century Electable, when I should be 21st Century Electable. But, let’s not squabble over superheroes, because Superman never really sounded all that exciting when he talked.
 

Ben Carson: The Phantom

Moderators are unfairly treating me like a phantom on stage. Still, though they may try to stop me, my message will carry on, and my jokes about not being called on will only get funnier. Like the Phantom, I will make people think my message is immortal, even though it changes from time to time. And, as the Phantom relied on his wits to fight crime, I will rely on my wits to fight the accusation that I’m unelectable. Super Tuesday may come and go, but Super Carson will carry on, until people realize how much he’s learned about foreign policy…

Is Obama the Worst Conspiracy President Ever?

Seriously, Obama? Your party had the Senate for 6 years, but you waited until Republicans were in control to whack a Supreme Court Justice? And, you waited until an election year, to give them maximum leverage? Fool me one mass shooting, shame on me; fool me worst-timed murder ever, shame on you. From death panels to Jade Helm, you’ve just been one disappointment after another. I don’t know how you ever expected to replace the Constitution with the Communist Manifesto, if you can’t even capitalize off killing one guy.

Why didn’t you ask your predecessors for help? Do you have any idea how many people they’ve killed? I know – asking George W. Bush for help would have been awkward, after saying all those bad things about him (Fake terrorist attacks are really more his thing, anyway.). But, what about Bill Clinton? He killed like half the population of Arkansas to cover up stuff. Not only that, but he and W’s dad have become good friends, so he might be able to hook you up with some vintage H.W. killings. Sure, you said all those bad things about Bill and Hillary when you ran in 2008, but Bill loves to talk, and I’m sure he’d let you pick his brain. Then again, he may only need to tell you one thing: Timing is everything.

See, you have to break the right eggs at the right time to make an omelet. You can keep faking mass shootings from now until the cows come home, but if Congress won’t pass gun control, you either gotta move on or come up with something different. This Scalia thing has made an absolute mockery of presidential killings, but keep thinking, and you’ll come up with something that works. And, if you ever start to think you can’t do it, remember: For every botched vice presidential attempt to assassinate Reagan, there’s a successful vice presidential attempt to assassinate Kennedy.

There’s still hope for you. You can’t take advantage of a fake mass shooting to save your life, and your attempts to become a dictator have been laughable. But, there was a time when you were good at this kind of thing. A time when you could make people think you weren’t a domestic terrorist in your early days, and a time when you could convince people you weren’t a Muslim or a radical black Christian. Hell, making people think you were born in Hawaii has become the stuff of legend. They can never take those wins away from you, but your murder profiteering needs some work.

You’ve got the hope. Now, let’s see some change…

New Words and Phrases for the 2016 New Hampshire Primaries

The New Hampshire Primaries were Tuesday, and some interesting story lines developed. Here are some words and phrases to help make sense of them:

The Trumpening
The inevitability of Trump – at least, in his own mind. According to exit polls, Trump won just about every demographic and opinion group that voted in the Republican primary, and he garnered a whopping 35.3% of the vote. As other candidates drop out, we’ll see whether the Trumpening is real, of if it turns into the Great Disatrumpment.

Crossing the Rubion
To raise expectations to such an extent that you will almost certainly fail to meet them. Rubio has crossed the Rubion at least twice: Once when he assumed his repetitive talking points would take him to victory in New Hampshire; and once after he failed to place higher than fifth in New Hampshire, after which he said he would never perform poorly in a debate again. He failed the first crossing; we’ll see if he fails the second.

Kamichristie
To destroy one’s own political standing while also destroying someone else’s. At the last debate, Christie hammered Rubio on repeating his talking points over and over. Rubio responded by repeating his talking points over and over. This weakened Rubio by making him look fake. At the same time, it did no favors for Christie, whose entire campaign seemed to become criticizing Rubio. The end result: Rubio disappointed in New Hampshire, bringing new life to his establishment rivals – except for Christie, who disappointed worse in New Hampshire and has since dropped out.

Sandonald
Seeing two completely unrealistic things – completely opposed to one another – back to back. Sanders gave his victory speech, then Trump gave his, meaning the completely unrealistic specific was immediately followed by the completely unrealistic vague.

Clin and Tonic
What Hillary Clinton will probably need to handle all the criticism between now and the next set of primaries. But, a strong Clin and Tonic might not even be enough to get over losing almost every demographic in New Hampshire to Sanders. For that, she’ll probably need a combination of refined messaging and Sanders continuing to have no luck appealing to minorities.

The Disstablishment
While Cruz pretty much has the evangelical lane all to himself and Trump has the Trump lane all to himself, the battle for the establishment vote continues. Kasich isn’t expected to do much in the next few states, but Bush and Rubio are already at each other’s throats. Rubio’s campaign has threatened a bloodbath in South Carolina, the next state to vote. But, don’t count out Bush, whose family has a storied history of destroying rivals in South Carolina through merciless rumormongering (most infamously in the 2000 primaries, when an unfounded rumor about John McCain having an illegitimate black child helped Jeb’s brother win the state). Looks like it’s shaping up to be a good, old-fashioned BTWIFT (Beatdown That Wins It For Trump). Stay tuned: The next primary diss track is gonna be EPIC.

Gilmorementum
Something that only exists in Jim Gilmore’s mind…if at all.

Ben Carson
Who?

New Hampshire Debate Awards

The Fifth Democratic Debate was Thursday, followed two days later by the Eighth Republican Debate. There were some standout performances, and I’d like to recognize them while the candidates are still in the race…

The Broken Record Award Goes to…
Marco Rubio
Rubio came into Saturday’s debate having finished strong in Iowa and rising in the polls. Clearly, that would not do, and he knew he somehow had to stop this pesky momentum. Luckily, Chris Christie was there to help. Rubio was a true talking point ATM, and when Christie pointed this out, Rubio responded by giving almost the exact same talking point he’d just been criticized for. It turns out there is a limit to how much mileage a GOP candidate can get out of vaguely bashing Obama, and Rubio hit that limit…over and over again.

Best Use of a Tangent
Bernie Sanders
Sanders has the income inequality thing down, but the way he talks about other topics brings him dangerously close to being a one-issue candidate. Clearly, Sanders has become more aware of this, as he’s added a sort of Democratic Socialist Democratic Segue to his rhetorical arsenal. Is that a question about foreign policy? Well, the real problem is the billionaires. Why talk about national security when we could talk about Social Security?

Most Innovative Fact Changer
Ted Cruz
Cruz is a bit of an expert when it comes to answering questions by not answering them, but this time he was forced to put his money where his misleading was. Right before the Iowa Caucuses, Ben Carson left Iowa, and there was brief speculation he’d left the race. Not one to let facts get in the way of a win, Cruz’s campaign said Carson had dropped out. When asked about this at the debate, Cruz went to his most reliable punching bag – the media – and said CNN had tweeted that Carson dropped out and didn’t correct themselves until hours later. What actually happened was that someone at CNN tweeted that it was strange Carson was leaving Iowa, then almost immediately followed it up with a tweet saying he was still in the race. Carson corrected Cruz, but since he doesn’t really criticize other candidates, he pretty much let it go. But, Cruz was no fact-shifting one hit wonder. Later in the debate, he was asked about his idea to carpet bomb ISIS, since ISIS members are mixed in with the local population, and carpet bombing would inevitably result in mass civilian casualties. Cruz really outdid himself when he explained that the carpet bombing would be TARGETED, so civilians would be safe. Because, when you’re Ted Cruz, the only limit to a word’s definition is your imagination…

Most Relieved
Donald Trump

Speaking of bombing, Trump did way worse than expected in Iowa. Luckily for him, there was a YUGE silver lining: Rubio did very well in Iowa. Since Rubio is running as an establishment-friendly candidate and three other establishment candidates (Kasich, Bush, and Christie) are relying on New Hampshire to give their campaigns a boost, everyone’s attention was focused on Rubio. Add to this that Cruz and Rubio already hate each other, and you have a particularly harsh episode of Inside the Actor’s Rubio. Everyone was too busy attacking Rubio to bother repeating their anti-Trump lines, and other than when he basically attacked the audience, Trump pretty much got off scot-free. Which is kind of weird, when you consider how far ahead of everyone he is in New Hampshire polling. Of course, as Iowa showed, polling – like Donald Trump – doesn’t always reflect reality…

Most Improved After a Precipitous Drop in the Polls
Jeb Bush

In the first few debates, the Charismometer ranked Bush somewhere between a park bench and an expired battery. But, as his poll numbers have fallen into the gutter’s gutter’s gutter, he’s really come alive. He’s answered questions like someone who’s actually had the experience of answering questions before, and he held his own against Trump and Rubio. It remains to be seen if this will translate into votes, but it’s interesting to see someone so far behind acting like a frontrunner…

Most Hampshiry
John Kasich

It’s not often you learn things about language in primary debates, so I’d like to thank John Kasich for teaching me about “New Hampshire.” Here I was, thinking it was just a regular proper noun, but he mentioned it so much, there’s no way that’s all it New Hampshired. I know he needs to win the state to keep going, but the debate was in New Hampshire, so he probably didn’t need to mention it by name so many times. Still, he’s been climbing in recent polls, so if he does well, I can’t wait to see how he South Carolinas and Nevadas the next few states.

Most Likely to Hate Rubio
Chris Christie

Move over, Cruz – There’s a new anti-Rubio sheriff in town. One of the main reasons Rubio did so poorly in the debate was because he was constantly being hammered by Christie. However, while Rubio vaguely attacked everything about Obama, Christie very specifically attacked everything about Rubio: his (thin) record in the Senate, his lack of specific policy proposals, his use of talking points to power his campaign. Still, not all the credit can go to Christie: Rubio literally responded to accusations of repeating talking points by…repeating talking points. At times, it was almost like Rubio was in a commercial and Christie was talking to the TV.

Most Likely to Turn a Touchdown into a Fumble
Hillary Clinton

I’m starting to wonder if there’s some confusion in the Clinton campaign. Do they know that learning from mistakes means not making them again, or do they think mistakes are like great schoolteachers, and you’re supposed to emulate them? In Thursday’s debate, Clinton had some pretty strong answers, but she also had some answers that took those answers out back and did terrible things to them. It’s like she thought she was Cam Newton and she was so awesome that mistakes didn’t apply to her, but since the debate was before the Superbowl, she didn’t foresee how that could be costly…

Most Likely to Make People Ask, “Is He Still Running?”
Ben Carson

Cruz’s campaign was pretty underhanded with the whole claiming Carson dropped out thing, but the fact they thought they could get away with it might say more about Carson than anything else. While candidates like Bush and Christie have changed their presentations to try and reverse falling poll numbers, Carson hasn’t really changed anything. He never goes on the attack, doesn’t seem to be interested in learning about foreign policy, and makes the same jokes about not getting called on he’s made in almost every debate. In this debate, he said the media has tried to knock him out of the running, but he’s done far more to knock himself out of the running than the media ever could.

Most Outsized Role in Choosing a Candidate
Tie: Iowa and New Hampshire

With a combined population of less than 1% of the country – most of which doesn’t caucus or vote in the nominating process – the defending champs will continue to dominate this category for years to come. Iowa kind of muddied the field a bit this year, so hopefully New Hampshire will whittle it down, and we won’t have so many candidates to choose from…

The Seventh Republican Debate – In Backronyms!

I reviewed the last Democratic Debate as if the candidates’ initials stood for how they did, so I’m going to take the last GOP Debate a step further and see what their names might be if they were backronyms – an actual word that means creating a fake acronym from an existing word.

CRUZ: Candidate Reciting Underwhelming Zings

If there’s one thing you could say about Ted Cruz before this debate, it’s that he thought he was awesome. I wonder if he thinks that now. Trump wasn’t at the debate, making second-place Cruz the de facto frontrunner. And, the frontrunner in these debates takes most of the heat. To be fair, Cruz spoke the truth for perhaps the first time ever when he said the moderators were pitting everyone against him. But, since he never had a problem with it when the people ahead of him in polls took heat in other debates, it wasn’t a very effective whine. Cruz kept trying to return to his talking points, but they’re all starting to sound the same – even for him.

RUBIO: Running Up the Bill In Overcompensation

Rubio has two main problems: 1) He hasn’t done a whole lot in the Senate. 2) One of the things he has done, work on a comprehensive immigration reform bill, has caused him more problems than doing nothing else has. Rubio co-authored a bipartisan immigration bill, then very vocally tried to keep it from passing. It’s pretty much been downhill from there, and video clips played at the debate put his immigration all-over-the-boardness on full display. However, he still sticks to his talking points about how he’s the only Republican who can take the country in a bold new direction. Of course, that new direction could be different tomorrow than it is today, then change again next week…

BUSH: Bringing Us Some Harebrainedness

I’m not sure anymore why Bush is running for president, and he comes off like he’s not sure, either. Having said that, he has gotten stronger in the last few debates. However, there was a curious thing he did in this debate that might have undone all that. When Rubio was being hammered for constantly changing his views on immigration reform (something he’s even managed to change from debate to debate), Bush took the opportunity to also hammer him. Then, when Rubio accused him of also changing his mind on the issue, Bush said that, yes, he had, but he at least admitted it. But, instead of using this as a moment to talk about the nuances of the issue, he just made it sound like he admitted to doing something bad…

KASICH: Kicking Ass Since Inching Closer in Hampshire

Up until this debate, I thought Kasich was basically the GOP Debate equivalent of Martin O’Malley – He said the same things in every debate; he complained about the complaining other candidates were doing; and he jumped into other candidate comments or arguments whenever the chance presented itself. He did all of those things in this debate, too, but he also said a few new things. He’s making a real play for New Hampshire, which he pretty much has to win to have even an outside shot at the nomination. Kasich has about as much charisma as a rock, but New Hampshire is the Granite State, so maybe it will play well there…

CHRISTIE: Congratulating Himself Regarding Idiotic Sounding Tactics In Empathy

Chris Christie has been a somewhat moderate governor, but since he doesn’t want primary voters to know that, he tries to talk to the audience directly – by literally saying he’s talking to the audience directly. It’s pure pandermomium as Christie says that people don’t want to hear what the other candidates are saying, because only he knows how they’re feeling. He also dodged a bullet in this debate, because while Cruz and Rubio got videos showing their flip flops on pure display, no one else did. Christie went on and on about how terrible these guys were, even though his flip flops and exaggerations are also well-documented…

CARSON: Courageous Action Reel Star On Nyquil

It seems like Ben Carson’s answers have gotten better as his poll numbers have gotten worse. Carson was leading the pack for a little while, and what demoted him back to the ranks of the mediocre was his complete and total lack of foreign policy knowledge. So, Carson did what anyone who doesn’t have time to learn something they really need to know does – he crammed. Carson’s foreign policy ideas now sound like Michael Bay movies with random names of real foreign leaders sprinkled in. Of course, his delivery is still boring enough to put you to sleep, but if you really listen, you may have the next blockbuster on your hands. And, they’re way more entertaining than his constant jokes about not getting called on enough…

PAUL: Pretty Amped Up Lameness

Paul missed the last debate, so he was making up for lost time…I guess. He was pretty much exactly like he’s been at all the other debates, trying to get both the libertarian and conservative votes but only succeeding at getting neither. He also still sounds like he’s trying to do an impression of a stereotypical Southern aristocrat, which makes his outrage at other candidates sound more like a character from Django Unchained than a character in a presidential debate. And, he’s still the candidate you hate to agree with when he’s accidentally right. But, don’t feel too bad – the only time he’ll ever be president is when he dreams about it tonight…